On some F*ck everything type sh*t....The REALIST sh*t I ever wrote...

So this is the realist shit I ever wrote no holds bars f*ck a nick name, f*ck peoples feelings I really don't care, I could give a f*ck about an opinion right now I just need to vent. I'll probably eventually delete this sh*t but for right now who cares! So blog after blog and day after day I have tried to hold my feelings, but really it's making me crazy because I feel like the truth is getting so misconstrued, for a while I have been referring to the two people my situation as "Combat Boots" and "Adidas"......well....they are Jarvis and Arturo. Surprise surprise right?....Anyways, for those of you who have not read Arturo's blogs lately let me just give you a basic overview "I live in my own world, I don't own up to my mistakes, I did him so wrong when we were together, I have my head up Jarvis' ass, I'm so stuck on Jarvis, I just think i'm never wrong" blah, blah and it goes on and on and on. Let me tell yall something and make this crystal f*ckin clear right hear right now....If I so call live in "my own little world" let me f*ckin stay there because it's the world where people don't paint a picture like they are sooooo f*ckin innocent! I have put up with more bullsh*t in my relationships and that sh*t stops Tooo-f*ckin-day! When I was with Arturo I admit he was there for a shoulder to cry on, he helped me financially sometimes or when he could, he put up with me venturing outside of our relationship, he was a friend to talk to when I couldn't talk to anyone really yes he was there but people If we wanted to go somewhere I drove, everywhere I drove, I begged him to get his life straight, finally he did try but It was a struggle, he isn't even allowed in my house because he disrespected my mother. Yes I did love him but we just did NOT work plain and simple. Me and Arturo are meant to be friends, good friends, I do still care about him alot, If he was with a girl who fucked him over I'd be pissed! I want him to find someone great and a girl who is crazy about him! I want that for him because he is a good friend and it seems like i'm the only one okay with that, I wish we could have worked really but it's not fair to him, yes I said it....It would not be fair to Arturo for me to work on a relationship with Arturo because my heart lies else where and it has for the last 5 years. UNFORTUNATELY sh*t doesn't always turn into a f*ckin fairy tale does it??? Let me explain. Everyone who knows me knows I obsessed with "true love" and they also know who Jarvis is. Most of my friends are probably sick of hearing his name. So this is what I suggest you know before you judge my feelings. I have had other boyfriends....I'm no saint so yes I've had flings. I know what a one night stand is I'm no angel, a lady yes, but no angel. Point is Jarvis was not my 1st boyfriend he was my first love. he is someone who I love completly and truely, the feeling that my heart gets when I'm around him is like no other, it's a feeling that is so strong I can only attempt to describe it. I could only put my heart into your chest for you to know. It would be unfair to try a relationship with someone else knowing my heart is always loving Jarvis. When we were first together we spent almnost every damn day together. I'm so serious this is no analogy we really spent almost every day together, When he would go to work...at target sometimes I would go with him and just talk to him while he would zone his areas...strange right? Who cares what you think I did it anyway. Point is we were inseperable. Basically he asked my mom should we get married....Her and my Uncle both told Jarvis "No". A decision that would affect me to this day. It broke my heart literally because I sat on the stairs listening to that conversation having a strong STRONG feeling that I was carrying Jarvis' child. A few days later January 31st 2006 I took him to the Richmond airport to fly to Germany and said good bye to him, never mentioning anything about "feeling pregnant". A decision that would affect both of us to this day. A few weeks later on valentines Day I found out I was pregnant and told him he was estatic but in March I lost my baby, I've never really said this statement to anyone but it constantly runs through my mind. Most of my friends had kids that year....to have mine taken away from me hurts more than anyone will ever know, because not only did I want my baby but I wanted to have Jarvis' baby. I cryed my self to sleep for days after that distraught that the loss was my fault. Did I eat something wrong? Dis I drink something? Did I sleep wrong? What did I do? Why did I lose them? I was hurt, shortly after that Jarvis and I broke up. Do you know what the Fuck it feels like, let me capitalize this shit so you feel me DO YOU KNOW....WHAT THE F*CK IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSE YOUR CHILD NO MATTER HOW FAR ALONG YOU ARE, TO LOSE YOUR CHILD THEN HAVE THE FATHER OF THE CHILD, YOUR BOYFRIEND, THE PERSON YOU LOVE SOOOOOOO SOOOO MUCH, HAVE THEM BREAK UP WITH YOU LESS THAN A MONTH AFTER??? DO YOU?? I would not wish that pain and hurt on anybody!!! I was a wreck, Everything made me cry, I stayed in bed for a while, the mention of the name "Jarvis" made me cry, my best friend Kida came to my house and took all my pictures of him then made me get dressed to go out. It hurt, and I think no one really knew how bad it hurt me. Well now you know. But time changes alot, Jarvis got married over in Germany and I dated over here. Who knew life would lead us right back down each others paths. Because to this day we still talk BUT it's complicated. He married because he thought the girl was carrying "his child". Well that was a lie, but guess who's still here in the meantime.....me...yea lil ole me. Lil ole naive me I guess, who believes that the spark of true love that use to live in me and Jarvis' relationship is still there. But you know what I'm begining to realize....I'm in love with what use to be....time and life changes people. It changed me and it changed Jarvis I feel like he's not the Jarvis I knew, he is sometimes but the Jarvis I knew wouldn't do the things he does now, I miss that Jarvis, I'm in love with that Jarvis and I always will be, becauase I know in my heart he can be that person again. The fact that we are always apart does not help the sistuation any but I can't help it, my heart still holds on and hopes. But, I guess I do live in my own world, but like I said let me stay there, don't bring me to reality, where people cheat, and people lie to people they love, where people are scared of relationships because of the pain of the past. Let me stay in my world, where there's a soulmate for everyone, where people who love each other tell each other, where people are not afraid to love again after a heartbreak, where people who break up can still be the friends they started as, where people don't dig in the cookie jar because they can't get one person off there minds, Let me stay in my world, where True love not only waits, but where True Love Lives.....