On some F*ck everything type sh*t....The REALIST sh*t I ever wrote...

So this is the realist shit I ever wrote no holds bars f*ck a nick name, f*ck peoples feelings I really don't care, I could give a f*ck about an opinion right now I just need to vent. I'll probably eventually delete this sh*t but for right now who cares! So blog after blog and day after day I have tried to hold my feelings, but really it's making me crazy because I feel like the truth is getting so misconstrued, for a while I have been referring to the two people my situation as "Combat Boots" and "Adidas"......well....they are Jarvis and Arturo. Surprise surprise right?....Anyways, for those of you who have not read Arturo's blogs lately let me just give you a basic overview "I live in my own world, I don't own up to my mistakes, I did him so wrong when we were together, I have my head up Jarvis' ass, I'm so stuck on Jarvis, I just think i'm never wrong" blah, blah and it goes on and on and on. Let me tell yall something and make this crystal f*ckin clear right hear right now....If I so call live in "my own little world" let me f*ckin stay there because it's the world where people don't paint a picture like they are sooooo f*ckin innocent! I have put up with more bullsh*t in my relationships and that sh*t stops Tooo-f*ckin-day! When I was with Arturo I admit he was there for a shoulder to cry on, he helped me financially sometimes or when he could, he put up with me venturing outside of our relationship, he was a friend to talk to when I couldn't talk to anyone really yes he was there but people If we wanted to go somewhere I drove, everywhere I drove, I begged him to get his life straight, finally he did try but It was a struggle, he isn't even allowed in my house because he disrespected my mother. Yes I did love him but we just did NOT work plain and simple. Me and Arturo are meant to be friends, good friends, I do still care about him alot, If he was with a girl who fucked him over I'd be pissed! I want him to find someone great and a girl who is crazy about him! I want that for him because he is a good friend and it seems like i'm the only one okay with that, I wish we could have worked really but it's not fair to him, yes I said it....It would not be fair to Arturo for me to work on a relationship with Arturo because my heart lies else where and it has for the last 5 years. UNFORTUNATELY sh*t doesn't always turn into a f*ckin fairy tale does it??? Let me explain. Everyone who knows me knows I obsessed with "true love" and they also know who Jarvis is. Most of my friends are probably sick of hearing his name. So this is what I suggest you know before you judge my feelings. I have had other boyfriends....I'm no saint so yes I've had flings. I know what a one night stand is I'm no angel, a lady yes, but no angel. Point is Jarvis was not my 1st boyfriend he was my first love. he is someone who I love completly and truely, the feeling that my heart gets when I'm around him is like no other, it's a feeling that is so strong I can only attempt to describe it. I could only put my heart into your chest for you to know. It would be unfair to try a relationship with someone else knowing my heart is always loving Jarvis. When we were first together we spent almnost every damn day together. I'm so serious this is no analogy we really spent almost every day together, When he would go to work...at target sometimes I would go with him and just talk to him while he would zone his areas...strange right? Who cares what you think I did it anyway. Point is we were inseperable. Basically he asked my mom should we get married....Her and my Uncle both told Jarvis "No". A decision that would affect me to this day. It broke my heart literally because I sat on the stairs listening to that conversation having a strong STRONG feeling that I was carrying Jarvis' child. A few days later January 31st 2006 I took him to the Richmond airport to fly to Germany and said good bye to him, never mentioning anything about "feeling pregnant". A decision that would affect both of us to this day. A few weeks later on valentines Day I found out I was pregnant and told him he was estatic but in March I lost my baby, I've never really said this statement to anyone but it constantly runs through my mind. Most of my friends had kids that year....to have mine taken away from me hurts more than anyone will ever know, because not only did I want my baby but I wanted to have Jarvis' baby. I cryed my self to sleep for days after that distraught that the loss was my fault. Did I eat something wrong? Dis I drink something? Did I sleep wrong? What did I do? Why did I lose them? I was hurt, shortly after that Jarvis and I broke up. Do you know what the Fuck it feels like, let me capitalize this shit so you feel me DO YOU KNOW....WHAT THE F*CK IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSE YOUR CHILD NO MATTER HOW FAR ALONG YOU ARE, TO LOSE YOUR CHILD THEN HAVE THE FATHER OF THE CHILD, YOUR BOYFRIEND, THE PERSON YOU LOVE SOOOOOOO SOOOO MUCH, HAVE THEM BREAK UP WITH YOU LESS THAN A MONTH AFTER??? DO YOU?? I would not wish that pain and hurt on anybody!!! I was a wreck, Everything made me cry, I stayed in bed for a while, the mention of the name "Jarvis" made me cry, my best friend Kida came to my house and took all my pictures of him then made me get dressed to go out. It hurt, and I think no one really knew how bad it hurt me. Well now you know. But time changes alot, Jarvis got married over in Germany and I dated over here. Who knew life would lead us right back down each others paths. Because to this day we still talk BUT it's complicated. He married because he thought the girl was carrying "his child". Well that was a lie, but guess who's still here in the meantime.....me...yea lil ole me. Lil ole naive me I guess, who believes that the spark of true love that use to live in me and Jarvis' relationship is still there. But you know what I'm begining to realize....I'm in love with what use to be....time and life changes people. It changed me and it changed Jarvis I feel like he's not the Jarvis I knew, he is sometimes but the Jarvis I knew wouldn't do the things he does now, I miss that Jarvis, I'm in love with that Jarvis and I always will be, becauase I know in my heart he can be that person again. The fact that we are always apart does not help the sistuation any but I can't help it, my heart still holds on and hopes. But, I guess I do live in my own world, but like I said let me stay there, don't bring me to reality, where people cheat, and people lie to people they love, where people are scared of relationships because of the pain of the past. Let me stay in my world, where there's a soulmate for everyone, where people who love each other tell each other, where people are not afraid to love again after a heartbreak, where people who break up can still be the friends they started as, where people don't dig in the cookie jar because they can't get one person off there minds, Let me stay in my world, where True love not only waits, but where True Love Lives.....

The Cookie "Jar" Act II

Remember when you were little and Grandma or Mama would pull out the fresh cookies from the oven? The smell would just hit your nostrils and just warm your heart, mmm fresh sweet chocolate chips still nice and hot from the oven...mmm. remember seeing them cool on the table and begging and begging for one! "Ma puhleeeese one cookie???"....remember finally getting one, biting into it and chewing the sweet and warm goodness? Mmmm.......Now.....do you remember finishing that little cookie....and asking for another one? But Mama says no that's enough, no more?.....You went back when she wasn't looking....and you took that next cookie....didn't you?......................................That's what I find a certain someone doing now a days.

See when it comes to people sometimes they like to have one person but dibble and dabble into others. The way I feel is that You should venture and play the field for a while, because it helps you decipher what kind of characteristics you want in a life mate. But, If you are lucky to find that person meant for you and you know that person is meant for you then why feel the need to venture??? Why??? why waste your time with meaningless sex, and spending time with other people when your heart truly belongs to another person. It's not fair and in all actuallity it's selfish. I agree with looking and making sure what you have is what you want, but when does it become enough? When do you realize what you want already is right in front of you, you can't compare 5 pieces of silver to 1 piece of gold. When will you be done digging in the Cookie Jar?

Cookie "Jar" Act I

So I'm looking through google for some interesting things in the images for cookie jars, and I come across this hilarious and interesting inside joke. So it turns out that the old mascot for cookie crisp from (1977 - 1985) was a "merlin type" wizard named Cookie Jarvis. Lmao!!!! I don't remember him I remember the cookie crook and the officer lol but how hilarious it was to me to find out that while I'm lookin for a picture for my next blog cleverly entitled The Cookie "Jar" I find this interesting little fact. Bag of chuckles, handful of laughs. (Thanx to Jae Breeze Breezesworld.blogspot.com for the last quote)

Cookies and Milk....Yea it's Kinda like that....

You know how somethings just go together? You know how somethings are soooo good together that without each other....there nothing really? Well were kinda like that. Cookies and milk? good seperate right? EXCELLENT together!!! Peanut butter and Jelly, Pilllows and Blankets, Peanut butter and Chocolate, Ketchup and Mustard, The Hotdog and the Bun, Ice cream and sprinkles, Cereal and Milk???? My sister Toni once said that me and "combat boots" were toxic without each other. I laughed when she said it but really I see what she's saying. When we were together in 2006...we didn't get into any trouble. We were both doing fine. Now recently since were apart we kinda get into trouble or do things we normally would do. I hate distance between relationships really I do, Whoever said absence makes the heart grow fonder can kick rocks. I find my heart telling me it's just because sub conciously we need each other..........But I know what your thinking.....What about "Adidas"?.....What about three stripes? Well as I have tryed to say and still say we are friends. He just makes things so damn difficult, why can't two people just be really cool friends? I told him I missed his friendship, but if that can't be handled what else can you do? Part of a friendship is wanting happiness for the other person. I want so bad for "Adidas" to find someone who loves him for him, someone who's heart is his and vice versa. I want true love for him because he deserves it. We didn't work out for reasons that he already knows the answer to but not once in that relationship did I lie to "Adidas". Any question he had about "Combat Boots" I answered honestly. Why? Because we were in a relationship and he deserved the truth. Now did he lie to me? Hell to the yea but it's in the past and it will stay there. As stated before I appriciate my friendship with "Adidas", I can "handle" my friendship with him. I wish he could to, but Im begining to see that there may be too many complications in us being friends. But you know what, I'll continue to still try......because I want to hear him one day talk about the girl who loves him for him, loves everything about him, loves him the way i love "Combat Boots".........purely, and truely without question or doubt.

Interesting Enough....

I just remember really feeling like this some days. Not currently but when I came across it I knew I should put it in my blog.....

Comparisons Are Easily Done.....

I never thought a song could relate to my situation so much it's unbeliveable. Im talking about "Thinking of you" by: Katy Perry. If you haven't heard it you should give it a listen. I dated my first love for a year then we broke things off when he left for his duty station in Germany January 2006. He has never left my head or my heart. While we were both seeing other people I dated someone else for about a year from May 2007 to about April 2008. I've never been the type of girl who dates, breaks up and never talks to the guy again. I like to keep them how they start......as a friendship. But, as we ALL know, some people just cannot handle ex's in a friendship. Currently I still talk to both ex's. We will call them "Combat boots"<----2006 ex. and the other "Adidas"<----2007 ex. ::::pause for personal giggles:::: Now "Combat Boots" currently resides in Texas and I have been to visit, as I said we are still friends. I'm still really close to his family and My mother looooooves him. In our relationship he was not only a boyfriend but a bestfriend. We have had our fall outs but somehow.....we always end up right where we started, friends. He's one of those people I believe are meant to be in my life. But there is a crucial piece to this puzzle "Combat Boots" did break my heart in a big way, By marrying someone else in 2007 because the female....we will call her "S.B.exwife"...She cheated on his right before they got married and didn't tell him until later on....damn that ho trife....Well currently she also revealed that the child she though was his....wont. Damn I can't stand that ho. ANYWAYS regardless of how much it hurt me I stayed friends with "Combat Boots" even when he was married. I've backed him up through this whole thing and tried the best I could to be there for him. But yall I cannot lie to myself. I do love that boy with all my heart, I always have, and regardless of anything yall I always will. I have tried to put into WORDS how strongly I feel about him. But I now realize that unless you have that feeling yourself or I put MY HEART into each one of yalls chest. You will not know exactly how I feel. But guess what.....thats okay. Now you must be wondering.....If I have so much love for "Combat boots" what's the deal with me and "Adidas"??? Well People, Allow me to explain. In 2007 I was going through alot of shit, with school, not knowing what I wanted to do, my mom, my breakup with "Combat Boots" just a whole lot of things. That's when I met "Adidas" at a friends party. I saw him in his hoodie and white adidas and I just though he was too cute. We would talk everyday for hours, go to the movies, watch stupid movies that he knew was cheesy but watched them anyway with me lol. He was a best friend too, I thank him for being there for me alot of the times when nobody else was sometimes, believe me a few of his shirts were wet with my tears somedays. But "Adidas" has a bad side too, our relationship had so hurddles. He lied to me a few times....which is a HUGE no-no, i hate a liar, he has disrespected my mother before so he's not even allowed in her house, his family doesn't like me for there own reasons. It's alot of obsticles when it comes to me and him, but that still doesn't make me want to stop our friendship. No I don't feel the same for him and "Combat Boots" but I do love "Adidas" friendship. I still love laughing at his jokes, I still love the fact that he has the ability to make me laugh no matter how much I cry. But, when I'm with him......I find my mind drifting of and thinking about "Combat Boots". It's hard because I really want to keep my friendship with "Adidas", but he makes it hard. If I was in his position I'm not sure what I would think but I do try to the best of my ability to respect his feelings and be completly honest with him. Thats all I can do, is be completely honest.....